“The utmost of a
woman’s character is expressed in the duties of a daughter, sister and
eventually wife and mother. It is secured by soft attraction and virtuous love.
If a woman has to have a particular superiority for example a profound mind, it
is best kept a profound secret. Humor is liked more but wit? No. It is the most
treacherous talent of them all.”
- An excerpt from Becoming Jane (A biographical
movie based on the life of famous author Jane Austen)
In the era when humans were surviving on hunting and foraging, women
enjoyed equality where they
used to go to foraging while men hunted. With the development of farming, when
women could not participate in plowing, they started staying back at homes. Since women were not physically strong, they took
up the charge of raising children and managing household chores and men became
providers. The work was divided into two equals.
However, from that era their
conditions started deteriorating.
With the change in time, culture and traditions were introduced in our lives
and different civilizations were formed. Here women, who were managing home,
naive to the outside world, were bound into traditional dos and don’ts. One
thing was common in every civilization, they were taught to be compassionate,
quite, giving and enduring. They were discouraged to talk their heart out
before others while men were left free and independent of such things. Women’s
beauty became more of a duty than of a natural gift to them. While men started
making marks in the world, women were like water- adjusting to the environment
around, having no identity of their own.
The rules of marital
alliance were simple. A woman should be good enough with all other qualities
that a husband and his family can accept. She should abide by all rules of
marital life and should always serve her new family, even if it means to be at
her own cost. She should have endurance to stand behind her spouse in all thick
and thins. She should practice patience to receive the love of her husband, no
matter how much time it takes. Before her marriage she was known by her family
and post marriage by her husband’s family and then her children. She dutifully
followed her parents, her husband, her in-laws and her children. And meanwhile
she lost her own self, amidst all. A time came in India, where after marriage
she was given an entirely new name along with a new family name, to tell her
that now she had a new identity, that she no more belongs to the parents and
family she was born and raised in.
And what after that? Sometimes she was abandoned by her husband, sometimes she
was beaten by her in-laws, sometimes even worse happened. On the other side,
her family, in the fear of stigma, pushed her back to her new home. She was
repeatedly told; she could only leave her husband’s home over her pyre.
Then time changed, she
became educated and independent. Men started liking the ones who had their own
say. Sharper, well-read, wittier women took over the shy ones. The measurements
of beauty were no more their fair complexion or small waists, but their
independence and confidence became priority. Although some males were still
orthodox or traditional, but majority preferred to be in the company of
exciting, knowledgeable women who stood as equals. Slowly women took the charge
of their own lives and picked up the lovers/husband of their choice. The talks
shifted from 'who will accept her' to 'who she will pick' as her prospective
partner.
Meanwhile old
traditions continued to ferment in the families. “This is your new
home! Now that you have left your old home and parents, you should forget them
and start a new life here with your new parents.” After being
independent having an identity of her own, she was still fighting for where she
belonged to. Now she was allowed to keep her name but she should be known by
the surname of her spouse. Patriarchy still dominated, feminism was still
struggling in the clutches of old traditions. Now, her in-laws loved her even
more than those in the past. Elder women were more accepting of their new
independent daughter in laws. But somewhere, some scraps of orthodox values and
thoughts stayed glued to them. She dutifully accepted her new parents, new
home, and a husband as her lifeline. But now she retaliated harder, when her
husband got involved in infidelity. Even now her parents asked her to woo him
and take him out from the clutches of another woman and her in-laws blamed her
as a reason that their son had to go outside marriage. She still struggled with
dilemma of how to handle these things. Soon world around her
advanced a little more and she was told that her own life should be her
priority and till the time she is not tranquil with her present state, she
couldn’t take care of others. The atoms of compassion, endurance, love were
still in her with those motherly instincts that were provided to her by
nature.
But now she wanted to retain her own identity, the way she was born. She knew
that only her parents will accept all the follies in her and still love her.
She knew that even if she was tied with a man of her dreams, she still was the
same human, with same genetic structure and upbringing with which she was born
and raised. The fact that she was her parent's child was immutable, so she
decided not to give up her family name. Traditions still tried to
interfere in her decisions, and tried to find a midway of keeping her old
surname and new one in that order behind her name. But she didn’t want to make a train out of her name. She had
a social circle and old forgotten friends, who could still find her on social
media with the name she had lived with all those years of learning and growing
up. She didn’t want to change her documents from her old name to new name after
marriage; then her new name to old one, if ever they part (due to any
circumstances); then again old to new after remarrying. She knew that she and
her partner were assembled in one relationship but she still was who she was.
Her old home and parents still hold as much priority for her as they did before
her alliance, and that didn’t mean she would ignore her new home. She decided
to retain everything she was born with, no matter where she went.
P.S. I told my husband that I would not change my surname after marriage, that
made him curious. He had never thought about those age long traditional
subjects before and hence he asked me for reasons behind the same. I gave him
my reasons, and told him if all of a sudden he changes his surname, how would
he feel, he understood what I meant. He felt proud that I wanted to retain my
own identity in the world. A lot of my cousins also appreciated the fact and
decided that they too would not force surname change on their spouses. Even if
a woman leaves her home for you, she still belongs to the place she was born
in. Her parents and siblings still are a priority and most prized possessions
for her in the world like yours are for you. A marriage is merging of two
families together and no one takes a backseat in the process. Respect
that!
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