Blame him, not her

They were plaguing their daughter-in-law for their miseries. They always said she corrupted their son. She was accused of every misery and pain he had brought to them, when he ill-treated or abused them. None of them understood that he was an equal adult as she was. He was more in command than she was. Never anyone criticized him since he was theirs, and no one took her side since she wasn’t. Why she was more culprit when they invested their youth on him not on her. Like always its someone else’s daughter who was a criminal, not their son.

P.S. Are women to be blamed for everything, even if they haven't done it? They are being blamed for wearing inappropriate clothes, for not following traditional rules of the family, sometimes they are even blamed for laughing loudly and seeking attention. While real flaws in men are ignored and considered to be normal. As they say, you should not complaint, men are like that. It is time to address this issue. Blame him, not her.Do you know any such stories? Have you held liable for the things you haven't done? Did this post give you new perspective of looking at things? Post your views, if any.

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For this year's April A to Z challenge, I will put forward 26 women issues from 26 alphabets. These issues will be inspired by "real-life events" and will highlight social issues and other faced by women.  Some of these issues might be globally prevalent. 

With AtoZ challenge like all- bloggers worldwide, I too pledge to write on each day of April, except on Sundays. 

Drabble is a piece of fiction strictly in 100 words. 

Visit to Limestone Caves, finding God and evolution

My previous year was dedicated to traveling, exploring and absorbing myself in this new western world of East and mid-west in United States. I also spent some time trying my hands at Canvas paintings and polymer clay crafts (that I deeply fell in love with) and will eventually share those works here.

Right at the beginning of this year I visited one of the most beautiful natural sights in Madison with my husband called 'Cave of the Mounds', which was discovered in 1939. The delightful beauty of this limestone cave illustrates nature's intricate handiwork, with many beautiful structures inside. Limestone is majorly made up of Calcium Carbonate, that came from shells of marine organisms on ancient ocean floors. Since these are water soluble, rainwater created cavities in them forming a cave. The water that formed cavities, carried calcium carbonates to other areas creating new formations inside the caves. Many of these formations and structures took millions of years to form.
My previous visit to any such limestone cave was back in India in Andaman and Nicobar Islands, though those caves did not have cavities as deep as this. And hence walking here was a richer experience for me.

Cave of the Mounds, Wisconsin

During our walk, we spotted two places with peculiar formations (specifically to Indian eyes) closely resembling Indian Gods. The first was common and often found i.e. Shiva-ling. The second one resembled Lord Ganesha. With a quiet understanding, we passed a smile at each other. Both of us knew, if it was in India, this would have been a place of religious interest.

Formation inside the cave resembling to Lord Ganesha (above)
and Shivaling (below)

On our way back home, we were discussing about such places in India where devotees go despite the journey being life threatening. And many people each year lose their lives to be at those religious places. Interestingly, many of the relatives of dead consider it to be auspicious when their known die there (since everyone will die someday), believing them to reach heaven. Perhaps it is the spirit of adventure and the hope of finding something bigger than ourselves that makes us go such great lengths.

Since these caves were formed on ancient sea-bed, the limestone here were rich in many minerals and fossils. We bought fossils of fish, which being a biologist’s wife now, is a cherished possession at our home. 

The Ammonites (spiral shaped fossil) were sea creatures that lived from 65 to 350 million years ago and are now extinct.

It is interesting to see how every creature on earth including ourselves, evolved from fishes- you may find the first episode of this documentary interesting – Your inner Fish

P.S. Wish you all a very Happy 2017 :)

We, the women have our own names!

“The utmost of a woman’s character is expressed in the duties of a daughter, sister and eventually wife and mother. It is secured by soft attraction and virtuous love. If a woman has to have a particular superiority for example a profound mind, it is best kept a profound secret. Humor is liked more but wit? No. It is the most treacherous talent of them all.”
- An excerpt from Becoming Jane (A biographical movie based on the life of famous author Jane Austen)

In the era when humans were surviving on hunting and foraging, women enjoyed equality where they used to go to foraging while men hunted. With the development of farming, when women could not participate in plowing, they started staying back at homes. Since women were not physically strong, they took up the charge of raising children and managing household chores and men became providers. The work was divided into two equals. However, from that era their conditions started deteriorating. 

With the change in time, culture and traditions were introduced in our lives and different civilizations were formed. Here women, who were managing home, naive to the outside world, were bound into traditional dos and don’ts. One thing was common in every civilization, they were taught to be compassionate, quite, giving and enduring. They were discouraged to talk their heart out before others while men were left free and independent of such things. Women’s beauty became more of a duty than of a natural gift to them. While men started making marks in the world, women were like water- adjusting to the environment around, having no identity of their own.

The rules of marital alliance were simple. A woman should be good enough with all other qualities that a husband and his family can accept. She should abide by all rules of marital life and should always serve her new family, even if it means to be at her own cost. She should have endurance to stand behind her spouse in all thick and thins. She should practice patience to receive the love of her husband, no matter how much time it takes. Before her marriage she was known by her family and post marriage by her husband’s family and then her children. She dutifully followed her parents, her husband, her in-laws and her children. And meanwhile she lost her own self, amidst all. A time came in India, where after marriage she was given an entirely new name along with a new family name, to tell her that now she had a new identity, that she no more belongs to the parents and family she was born and raised in. 

And what after that? Sometimes she was abandoned by her husband, sometimes she was beaten by her in-laws, sometimes even worse happened. On the other side, her family, in the fear of stigma, pushed her back to her new home. She was repeatedly told; she could only leave her husband’s home over her pyre. 

Then time changed, she became educated and independent. Men started liking the ones who had their own say. Sharper, well-read, wittier women took over the shy ones. The measurements of beauty were no more their fair complexion or small waists, but their independence and confidence became priority. Although some males were still orthodox or traditional, but majority preferred to be in the company of exciting, knowledgeable women who stood as equals. Slowly women took the charge of their own lives and picked up the lovers/husband of their choice. The talks shifted from 'who will accept her' to 'who she will pick' as her prospective partner. 

Meanwhile old traditions continued to ferment in the families. “This is your new home! Now that you have left your old home and parents, you should forget them and start a new life here with your new parents.” After being independent having an identity of her own, she was still fighting for where she belonged to. Now she was allowed to keep her name but she should be known by the surname of her spouse. Patriarchy still dominated, feminism was still struggling in the clutches of old traditions. Now, her in-laws loved her even more than those in the past. Elder women were more accepting of their new independent daughter in laws. But somewhere, some scraps of orthodox values and thoughts stayed glued to them. She dutifully accepted her new parents, new home, and a husband as her lifeline. But now she retaliated harder, when her husband got involved in infidelity. Even now her parents asked her to woo him and take him out from the clutches of another woman and her in-laws blamed her as a reason that their son had to go outside marriage. She still struggled with dilemma of how to handle these things. Soon world around her advanced a little more and she was told that her own life should be her priority and till the time she is not tranquil with her present state, she couldn’t take care of others. The atoms of compassion, endurance, love were still in her with those motherly instincts that were provided to her by nature. 

But now she wanted to retain her own identity, the way she was born. She knew that only her parents will accept all the follies in her and still love her. She knew that even if she was tied with a man of her dreams, she still was the same human, with same genetic structure and upbringing with which she was born and raised. The fact that she was her parent's child was immutable, so she decided not to give up her family name. Traditions still tried to interfere in her decisions, and tried to find a midway of keeping her old surname and new one in that order behind her name. But she didn’t want to make a train out of her name. She had a social circle and old forgotten friends, who could still find her on social media with the name she had lived with all those years of learning and growing up. She didn’t want to change her documents from her old name to new name after marriage; then her new name to old one, if ever they part (due to any circumstances); then again old to new after remarrying. She knew that she and her partner were assembled in one relationship but she still was who she was. Her old home and parents still hold as much priority for her as they did before her alliance, and that didn’t mean she would ignore her new home. She decided to retain everything she was born with, no matter where she went.

P.S. I told my husband that I would not change my surname after marriage, that made him curious. He had never thought about those age long traditional subjects before and hence he asked me for reasons behind the same. I gave him my reasons, and told him if all of a sudden he changes his surname, how would he feel, he understood what I meant. He felt proud that I wanted to retain my own identity in the world. A lot of my cousins also appreciated the fact and decided that they too would not force surname change on their spouses. Even if a woman leaves her home for you, she still belongs to the place she was born in. Her parents and siblings still are a priority and most prized possessions for her in the world like yours are for you. A marriage is merging of two families together and no one takes a backseat in the process. Respect that! 

Equality, Education and Feminism

Thirty years back my mother had struggled with same questions in mind, which now I stand up for. Difference between both of our lives are that thirty years back in time female liberty in households was rare especially for the daughter in law and today it is a generality in metro-cities. People are accomplished now and open to logical discussions. More or less, they treat their daughters and daughters-in-law equally. My parents being professors, always catered to our curiosities and motivated us to run behind the logic. I often had those discussions with people around (including elders and our generation) especially for the orthodox and biased section of the society as to why a married Indian woman is supposed to wear vermilion, toe-rings, lot of bangles, bindi, traditional dresses and in some parts of India a nose ring too. While the sons live comfortably in their original skin, enjoy freedom like before. ‘Why the weaker (physically) sex has to abide by all the rules of married life and a man who used to roam around in tank tops and shorts has none. A woman who had similar life like her husband's, now struggles with all the dos and don’ts after being wed. Some women have a strong liking for ‘Solah Singar’, while others don’t. Rather than fixed rules, things like these should be subjective, catering to personal liking. That could only be facilitated by strong minded educated individuals (being educated and being literate are two different things)

Education brings the wisdom of differentiating between right and wrong. It helps us to accept different perspective of individuals without judging them. It makes it easier for us to think rationally and challenge the conservative thoughts and practices that imprison equality and freedom of others. At our home the rule was simple, what we will follow our brother too will follow. During my search for the matrimonial alliance I found out a feminism was still in rarity in India. Those men who regarded themselves feminist didn’t understand the true meaning of feminism. Feminism is not about doing everything what a man does but letting a woman live the way she wants to. Feminism means giving the rights to a woman to make her own decisions for her life.  For example letting her decide about her choice of career or if she wants to keep a fast on karwa chauth or if she wants to dolled up, then she should. It is about giving her the freedom of choice and not imposing the freedom a man thinks she should enjoy without knowing her priorities. 

I got married to a man with progressive thinking. We shared similar opinion on almost everything. During our courtship we used to discuss a lot of things ranging from science, feminism, issues in Indian society and the visible yet unsaid rules on married women down laid by patriarchal society of north India in particular and the world in general. 

Even being traditional, his family adjusted to the new ways of the modern era.  I was free from never ending obligations of being a newly wed like he was. I wandered around in the house like my sister-in-law does. There were no extra-special rules on me like waking up earliest or wearing traditional attire. GK was, like me, not in much favor of the concept of Karwa Chauth which we had discussed should again be subjective. Whenever I cooked something nobody in the house minded my husband giving me a helping hand in preparing a meal. 

Like my father always says, “there are no fixed set of rules in the world, every era has its own truth.” I don’t say people who are following traditions are wrong, but they should not be imposed. Equality is the truth today, where men and women stand together for every single thing in life. Education facilitates that equality and I knew from the first day of my marriage that I was married to a true feminist.

Kitni girhein kholi hain maine, kitni girhein ab baaki hai 

paanv mein payal, baahon mein kangan, gale mein hansli, kamar band, challe aur bichue,

naak kaan chidwaayein gaye hain, aur zevar zevar kehte kehte

reet rivaaj ke rassiyon se main jakdi gayi ,uff kitni tarah main pakdi gayi 

ab chilne lage hain haath paanv, aur kitni kharaashein ubhri hain, 

kitni girhein kholi hain maine, kitni rassiyaan utari hain ... - Gulzar

Translation:
 How many knots have I untied, how many still remain? 

Anklets for the feet, bangles for the arms, necklace around the neck, waistband, rings and toe rings, 

My nose and ear were pierced, and with each ornament, 

I found myself  all the more restrained with ropes of customs and mannerisms, oh the ways in which I have been chained (literally caught)   

now my hands and feet have begun to develop scratches, and so many bruises have surfaced 

Since I started untying the knots, and  freed myself of so many ropes -Gulzar

(To Read the whole with translation please poem follow this link: Kitni Girhein baki hain)

E is for Equality, Education and Feminism on April 6 

Orchha, Madhya Pradesh- a Photo Story

My first trip was decided through Facebook. These days Facebook is playing a pivotal role in our lives. One of my junior from college has a travel bug and has great photography skills. Looking at her updates on Facebook tempted me to message her. I told her I would like to accompany her on her next trip. From then onwards, I managed to break the monotony of routine life to enjoy the experience of exploring new places, food and knowing people of India. However first trips have their own charm especially when you learn about something that you have been longing for. In my case it was photography. I would like to present the photo-journey of the beautiful time I had exploring Orchha…

Orchha , Madhya Pradesh 
(26^th Feb,2014 – 1^st Mar,2014)

Our came in existence at the end of February, 2014. When I got to know we were packing our bags for Orchha, I was clueless how it looks and what this place was all about. Since I had never heard its name earlier, it created more excitement in me to explore this new piece of land.

History of Orchha

Orchha is a small town in the state of Madhya Pradesh, India. This town was established by Maharaja Rudra Pratap Singh in 1501 which lies on the Betwa River in Tikamgarh District. The word ‘Orchha’ means  ‘Hidden’ in Bundelkhandi language and was named so because it was covered completely by forests before being found.

Primary attractions in Orchha are Jahangir Mahal, Laxmi Narayana Temple, Bundela Chhatris (cenotaphs), Rai Praveen Mahal , Chaturbhuj Temple & Raja Mahal.

Photo Story of Orchha:

Jahangir Mahal

Jahangir Mahal is one of the most finest and vivid examples of classical Mughal Architecture.

Entrance of great Jahangir Mahal

Jahangir Mahal

Open Court of Jahangir Mahal

Betwa River Banks:

Spend maximum time here

1.   Bundela Chhatris - (cenotaphs) designed in the memory of late rulers and noblemen. There are fourteen 'Chhatris' or memorials to the rulers of Orchha, grouped along the Kanchana Ghat of the river Betwa.

View from Betwa River

Closer View

Chaturbhuj Temple:

 

1.      Laxmi Narayan Temple

Interesting Paintings Inside Lakshmi Narayan Temple:

Raja Ram Temple:

Top view of Raja Ram Temple

Other Details:

Duration of my visit-   26^th Feb – 1^st Mar

Weather conditions during my stay-  Slightly chilly during early mornings and nights (Sweat-shirts are advisable)  

Mode of travel from Delhi -  Train

Hours of Journey -   6 hours journey

Stayed at -  Friend’s house

Restaurants I liked there-  Milan Resturant, Betwa Tarang Restuarnt, Bamboo Hut

Author:

Manisha Raj is a professional software engineer in Delhi and an amateur photographer who loves to travel and explore new places and cuisines whenever she gets a chance. She fondly calls herself “Artist Manisha” due to her love for sketching and shares her  dream to hold an exhibition of her artistic works sometime in her life. She loves festivals and hence her second favorite month in the year is October (after February i.e. her birth-month); a month in which festivals and celebrations start in India and continue till New Year. 
She decided to pen down her travel experiences and this was her first post as a guest blogger on Elixired.
Manisha's Twitter 

Kerala- Land of greenery, polite hosts and mundu...

A travel experience becomes unforgettable with a beautiful place and polite and welcoming hosts. Kerala had both- amazing scenery and amazing people. Though best time to visit Kerala is during winters but it wasn't bad during May-June when we were beautifully baked till golden brown. The place was clean and roads were bump-less!Our tour started from Kochi towards Trivandrum- the lower half of Kerala. Since Kerala is horizontally straight, one can plan it vise-versa too!  

Thrissur: After reaching Kochi Airport, we changed our attires and visited famous Guruvayur Temple in Thrissur. It was quite crowded. Evening processions are held on a daily basis there, where statues of Gods were rested on Elephants and they took rounds of the sanctum sanctorum. Elephants were fairly trained. In Kerala- many temples allow Salwar-Suits for women, though in some temples women can only enter in Sarees . While for men- Mundu or Dhoti is a compulsion. One could purchase these from the adjacent bazaars. Women also have the option to tie Mundu over their dresses to be appropriately dressed before visiting God. See images below to understand the proper way to wear a mundu and don't ever dare to call a mundu a lungi, some of my Keralite friends swear by it:

Women:

Images above are taken from Google

Men:

Images above are taken from Google

About 2-3 km from the temple is the training house for the temple elephants- Annakotta, you can visit it if you arrive on time: 8:00 to 18:00 hours.

Not very far from this place, were these majestic waterfalls named - Athirapally. People say during rains their beauty is worth seeing. Though when we visited, it was not raining yet the falls looked beautiful. We were surprised to see locals especially females jumping from one large rock to another wearing sarees, and heels with no fear of falling down and getting wounded. We despite wearing sport-shoes couldn’t make those high jumps, but warily we trekked all the way to this:



KOCHI:  Next day we visited Matancherry. Matancherry palace, also known as Dutch Palace was a simplistic building housing the paintings and artifacts of the king's of the yore. Next we headed to Jewish street and a famous Jewish Synagogue there, which didn’t impress us at all. All along the street were some antique shops you could window shop there or buy something if you like.
Next we turned towards Fort Kochi and in vain we asked for the fort, but no fort was to be found as none existed (the Dutch had destroyed it long ago, but the name caught on). We went to a quaint little princess street for lunch and walked about there. One can choose to stay there as the locality looked attractive. We waited for sunset at the beach having the old Chinese fishing nets. I asked the local coconut vendor(a man fluent in malayalam, marathi, bengali, hindi and english) while sipping on my coconut water, “You must be getting these fishes real cheap being right there at the source.”
But he said- "No madam. They are most expensive here as they're only half-dead ('tadapta machli' he explained) and are thus more costly than others. They perish very easily. So most of the companies buy them from here and then preserve them for local people and export. One kg of fish is around 500 INR here. After reaching market they cost about 200 INR."

Watching sun going down from this place through the fishing nets was quite a photogenic affair.  If you are here, and interested in photography- don’t miss sunset here!


We missed Marine Drive in Ernakulam and mango festival going on there but as they say one cannot be at every place at one point, on tours we need to prioritize. And being from Delhi, malls and bling was not on our list.

Munnar: From Kochi we hired a cab and went to Munnar. Every bit of land in Munnar seemed to be covered by tea plantations. The patches of winding black roads looked like a snake crawling in a very large green garden surrounded by clouds.  The whole feeling of being there was an ethereal one. A visit to the Eravikulam national park is must. Many people get discouraged after knowing that there are a few 'goats' i.e. Tahr in this park. But go there to experience a lovely trek in lush green mountains, fresh air, and a lovely weather with clouds sweeping right by you!
TIP: Book your tickets from Munnar tourism office in advance for the national park. That will save you from standing in long queues there.
On the way back we stopped at the Munnar Tea Museum which turned out to be overhyped. A man in the museum educates visitors on benefits of green tea and shows some movie. Also if one hasn’t seen how tea is made from tea leaves, one can experience it there. Inside the premises there is a shop from where one can buy multiple-varieties of tea, coffee and other related products. You also get free green tea with your ticket there ;)
The chocolates local vendors sell were extra sweetened and hence were not up to our tastes. In the past, we enjoyed home made chocolates in Ooty by heaps, but here they were not worth a penny!



Catch a show of oldest form of martial arts Kalaripayattu, at Punarjani theater. It was extremely entertaining.


Thekkady: Thekkady is famous for its spices. One will see cardamom plantations in Thekkady like tea plantations in munnar. We bought spices from there. Red chilly flakes bought there turned out especially outstanding, I love them in my lentil soup! 
Thekkady will spoil your fun if you are not planning to live in forest premises. We stayed in the KTDC resort inside the forest. The night came alive with fireflies, the sounds of forest, the beautiful fragrance of wild lillies and captivating stories of the animal encounters as told by an ever smiling watchmen. He boasted- 'Madam in Kerala nobody will cheat you. People are educated here, even an Autowalah will be graduate. I had long conversation with him. When I called my mother excitedly to witness firefles (Jugnu) which are nowhere present in metro cities, he told us, “Madam, these are very few right now. Let the monsoon come, and this forest will be covered with flying lamps.” I was lost dreaming of a disney movie scene.
We got up in the wee hours of the morning and walked to the boundary of the restricted area when some deers passed by the road. Afterwards, we went for a boat ride in the periyar lake and saw many beautiful birds, a baby elephant taking a stroll near the lake, black monkeys playing, a fox trotting by and some bisons and sambhar. Though these animals were not very clearly visible at such a distance, still it was exciting to spot them in their safe and natural habitat- a glimpse of a distant unreachable world. Walking back from the lake towards the resort, we saw an Indian Giant squirrel leaping from one tree branch to the other, a group of wild boars crossed our path, some funny and pretty insects and butterflies made us smile.



Alleppy:  Alappuzha is known for it's backwaters experience. And what an experience it was! One can choose to stay in some loved house-boat or on a land resort and take a ride in the backwaters in Shikara-boat ride.We preferred to stay in resorts near the backwaters and opted for three hour Shikara Ride. During the ride in backwaters one gets to see the local villages, rice bowl of kuttanad (the only palce in world where farming is done 1-2 m below sea level), people fishing in waters, loads of coconut trees, boats with fishing nets or carrying coconuts, ducks disappearing in water and coming out with fishes, kingfisher birds looking for prey and pet eagles kept by the locals. To drink coconut water we got out of our Shikara on the land and saw a pet eagle. Our Boatman put that pet eagle on our shoulders for a photograph! You will see different types of boats in it viz. Shikaras, Houseboats, Fishing Boats, Kayaks and bus like long boats in which people commute between their homes and offices. It was a very relaxing experience, where we ourselves sit back and witness life happening right on the shores of backwaters, as though a drama was being played for us, the only difference was it was a real one.


Trivandrum and Kovalam: Trivandrum is the capital city of Kerala. We couldn’t find much to explore there. However early morning at 5 a.m., mundu clad, we rushed for the darshan at Padmanabham Swamy temple. After coming back from there we hired a cab for Kovalam. Had we more than that day, we could have stayed at Kovalam. The shacks serve freshly prepared food, which was very tasty. Head to the German bakery(waves) for a lovely view and some yummy shakes (try the date shake or orange and vanilla drink). Winds at Hawa beach or Eves Beach were very strong especially at the rock garden high up- it was as if it would sweep us off our feet. The other beach adjacent to it was light house beach. We saw many surfers enjoying their acrobats on their surf boards. Others were swimming or walking at the beachside. Weather was pleasant, the black sand under our feet was soft as muslin and the waves were big yet gentle and pampering!

Hotels and Other Reservations:
Munnar- We had a home stay at Munnar at Estate Residency, which was around 10 kms away from the main market area and free from hustle and bustle. The owner has a a cardamom plantations and mornings are greeted by birds songs around- especially a whistling bird. The food was awesome too. Read full review at tripadvisor
You can also book your seats for Kalaripayattu Martial Arts shows or Kathakali dance shows here:
Punarjani Theatre
2nd Mile Pallivasal, Munnar, India

04865 216161

 
In Thekkady: We booked one of the hotels of KTDC. One must live in the forest area to enjoy the wilderness. (Though one has to stay within the restricted hotel premises in late evening to early morning hours). There are many of these hotels offering different rates catering to different pockets.

Alleppy: In Alleppy our halt was at Palmgrove Resort. The resort offers a wonderful view and is next to the backwaters. They have both open bathrooms safely shaded from outside view and closed ones are also available with some specific rooms. However it lacked majorly in good service and good food. One can rent a shikara for few hours stroll in backwaters of Alleppy. We found Mister Mohan the most reasonable person there who offered us a better deal than anybody else there for the Shikara Ride. He can be reached here: 09544999674
Though One can hire a house boat for the whole day if one wants to spend whole day in back waters. The boat stops at places, if asked. One can enter nearby village on the shores and explore it.

Trivandrum: In Trivandrum we stayed in Hotel Regency after deboarding from our Allapuzha train. Since we wanted a place near Padmanabham temple, we found this one 5 kms away. The room service and staff were very unprofessional but then it wasn't expensive for a one night stay. Near this hotel was another hotel- Highland. It had pure vegetarian restaurant which was crowded all the time and sumptuous food was served by pleasant people.